


My Heart is Gold and My Hands are Cold

by becauseISaidSo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, Flonks, ahhhh, could be gen if not for language, decide for yourself, fleur is not a fairy princess, fluffy angst?, idk - Freeform, soft flonks, they just want to kiss the pretty girl next to them!, tonks is more broken than she looks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 11:52:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12770499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becauseISaidSo/pseuds/becauseISaidSo
Summary: Fleur is new the order and theres this pink haired clumsy woman who, as it turns out, is kinda cool.





	My Heart is Gold and My Hands are Cold

**Author's Note:**

> This is 1000% based on the Halsey song [Gasoline](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE), I strongly recommend listening to it on repeat while reading (because that's how I wrote it).

****"Oh no, I'm so sorry!" the one with the pink hair was cringing as the tray of dishes she'd just knocked over fell to the floor.  Lupin chuckled as if this was normal, acceptable behavior.  The woman - Tonks they'd been calling her - cleaned up the plates, apologizing over and over again to Molly who kept trying to brush her away.  Fleur offered to help too, but Molly had shot her a glance that said plainly _get out of my kitchen_ and upon a nod and a glance from Black (she still couldn't quite figure out how he was innocent but whatever) had grabbed the pink haired clutz by the upper arm and steered her out of the kitchen.  Bill had followed them out - he was the reason she was here anyway - but they couldn't exactly talk in the hall either, with the stupid portrait there.  Black had come too, shoing them up the stairs and out of the way, "Molly doesn't like cooking with lots of people there," he said when they were on that first landing, "it's best to keep out of her way,"  He had left the three of them in the sitting room - a dusty dirty room that gave Fleur the impression that it had to be British people who were slobs, not just the ones at Hogwarts.

"Have you been here long?" She blinked at the question, Tonks was actually talking to her.

"I have been 'ere for the past year," she said, a little defiantly.  She would have _hoped_ that she was recognizable.  Or that Bill had at least told them who she was.

"You've been part of the Order for a year?" Tonks looked incredulous, "I thought i was only formed like a month ago,"

"Oh, no, I have been in Britain for a year," she said very carefully.  Tonks nodded, understanding.

"Tonks is our newest recruit," said Bill, "Mad-eye brought her in,"

Fleur started at the mention of his name but didn't press the matter.  Bill left Tonks and Fleur alone shortly after, saying something about checking on his mum.

“What would you say has been your greatest accomplishment so far, in life?”

“Excuse me?”

“What has been your greatest accomplishment in life so far?”

“You are insane!”

Tonks shrugged, grinning, and there was something about that twinkle in her eye that made Fleur relax a little, considering the question.

“Oh! And you can’t say anything about the tournament,” the tinkle was stronger.

“Well that is just cheating!”

Tonks laughed at that, a large booming laugh that filled the room and made Fleur’s heart jump in a way she hadn’t really felt before.

She wasn't a bad person to talk to, all things considered.  She had a good laugh and her klutziness seemed to decrease the more comfortable she got.  Not that it wasn't endearing, but she could imagine it getting very old very quickly.  She wasn't sure how long they were there, but even after dinner was served they kept talking.  She barely noticed Bill leave and Remus whispering behind his hand to Black, their eyes flicking over to where Tonks and Fleur sat at the end of the table.  She had stopped caring though, because the stories that Tonks had were... they were amazing.  She was smart and fun and honest.  She had made Fleur laugh again and it had felt good.  They made plans to meet the next week during Tonks’s lunch break.  Maybe, she reflected once she'd finally gone home to her tiny flat, this is what having a friend felt like.

* * *

"How is your training?"

Tonks shrugged, fiddling with one of her many rings, "It's good.  I'm really close to finishing. My mentor, he says I should be able to take the test next month,"

"Oh, that’s good, yes?"

Tonks smiled, nodding and shifting a little uneasily.  Fleur knew Tonks didn't like talking about her training too much, it made her nervous, or that's what Remus had said at least.

"Anyway, what made you stay in Britain after the tournament? I don't think you've ever told me,"

No, she hadn't.  She took a breath, cocking her eyebrow, "I wanted to improve my English," the line that had haunted her ever since she's first uttered them to her mum in a frantic search to find meaning in her decision.

"No, I mean why did you really come?"

Tonks was meeting her eyes and she was smiling slightly.  Why was she like this?  How did she know?  She knew Fleur was lying and oddly a sense of relief washed over her.  She had a knack for it.

She took a deep breath, "I can't go back home, not after what happened in June,"

Tonks furrowed her brow, "I've heard somethings about that," she said quietly, "My trainer... he was the one who was being impersonated,"

Fleur took a deep breath, "Moody,"

Tonks nodded.

She dropped her eyes, "I didn’t know him, of course, only the impostor,"

They sat in silence for a long moment and Tonks slowly reached out and placed her hand on top of Fleurs, comforting.  Fleur let it happen, watching their hands and taking a deep breath before looking up at Tonks again, “Why did you stay in Britain then?” she cocked her eyebrow, coating her words with as much disdain as she could manage.

Tonks burst out laughing.

* * *

She had passed! It was wonderful! She had passed her Auror test! Of course she had known that she would, she had known that Tonks could do anything she set her mind to, but now it was real, now it was here!  

She tried not to think about what that would mean.  Being a “Dark Wizard Catcher” wasn’t exactly risk-free work. Her heart hurt when she did think of it, remembering automatically what had happened the previous year.  She could still see Cedric's body when she closed her eyes. Cedric who had been so kind, and so thoughtful, and so caring…

Fleur shook herself, she wasn't supposed to be thinking about Cedric, she was supposed to be thinking about Tonks, about the fact that's she's completed her training! It was exciting! It was also scary…

"Can I help you, miss?" the man had apparently been standing there for sometime based on the worried expression on his face.  She blinked, tossing her hair, revealing slightly in the calm expression his face took on as his effect hit her.

"Champagne," she said simply, "I want your finest.  French.  None of zis 'orrible California rubbish," she waved her hand idly at the wall of bottles in front of her, emphasizing her accent - she knew it made men nervous.  He went pink but nodded and led her over to wall on the other side of the store.

_She would be working as an Auror, and with the Dark Lord back to full strength…_

"Here you are, miss," said the man, standing aside, "Can I- er- do you need anything else,"

"No," she waved him away, not paying attention to him anymore.

Tonks will need something nice, something expensive. Champagne seemed like the most reasonable choice, it shouldn't stain if she happened to spill it, a distinct likelihood.  Maybe when they drank it together at Fleur's flat they would sit a little too close together on the couch and…

She grabbed a bottle, not caring about the price (100£) she wanted to find Tonks and enjoy a night of… well… enjoy the night together. 

* * *

They might have had an engagement.

In the back of her mind Fleur could hear her mother telling her that boys would always let her down. Well apparently the same held true for girls. She stared at the bottle of champagne on her counter, teasing her. She could save it, have the night she had hoped tomorrow, but then it wouldn’t be the same. It was stupid. She’d known Tonks for two months and she had suddenly become her best friend. So. Fucking. Stupid. She could feel tears threatening to fall.

She should just drink the bottle herself. That gave her a nice jolt of savage pleasure in her gut. She popped it open, equal parts pleased and annoyed at the cold bubbles that over flowed on her hand, dripping on the carpet. She took a swig once the bubbles had died down, her hand sticky and cold. It was rebellious and wonderful.

But not enough. She couldn’t just sit there pretending she’s gotten back at Tonks for something. She couldn’t…. couldn’t. She tipped the bottle over the sink and watched the smooth liquid glug out, filling the sink with bubbles and the smell of grapes. This was satisfying, watching what could have been hers what could have been there’s gurle down the drain. And yet.. it was… not enough.

Her eyes burned and her heart hurt and she knew she was being stupid. She grabbed the neck of the bottle, turned and threw it against the far wall.

She began to cry.

* * *

“Fleur? Fleur!”

She didn’t know how long she had been there, didn’t know how she had gotten there. All she knew was arms around her, someone was pushing her hair back from her face, murmuring her name again and again, “Fleur, Fleur, Fleur, Fleur,” it reminded her of someone doing the rosary and a bubble of laughter welled up in her overflowing like the champagne bottle.

The murmuring stopped and Fleur opened her eyes. Tonks was in front of her, her cheeks flushed, a worry line etched across her forehead. “Hey,” she said, her voice was soft and there was a hit of something… (concern?) in it. She blinked. The emotions that had been flooding her, making her fit to burst, making her lose time…they were gone. It was a realization she knew but not one she knew how to convey.

“Ça va,”

Tonks blinked at her, her brow furrowed, eyes searching her own.

“What…?”

Fleur closed her eyes.  She felt drunk.  Drunk and calm.  Drunk, calm, and… happy now.  Tonks was here, that’s what she had wanted.

“Ça va, Mon cœur,"

She felt Tonks's arms around her and leaned into the touch, into her chest, curling against her.  Her mother’s voice rang in her head again, but this time it was a caution, “You will get very angry, my dear, you must learn to not let it consume you,”

_Next time, mum, next time._

Tonks was stroking her hair again and she slept.

* * *

She felt high. There were no other words for it.  Six months of guard duty and research and the constant anticipation of "what will happen" and they finally had a weekend off.  They had gone to the coast, Fleur's uncle summered there occasionally and had given them use of his cottage.  The water was freezing but they stripped naked anyway, racing and splashing each other, Tonks making her legs long and fit, stumbling on branches protruding from the stiff ground as they hurtled to the lake, magically warmed by centuries of Delacour's making it "just so".  Fleur tried not to look at Tonks as she messed with her appearance ("what does a really buoyant person look like? I want to float without an inner tube").  Fleur was floating next to her as they stared up at the sky, not looking at each other, barely talking, just enjoying.  

"Thanks for having me out here," her voice was soft, muffled as Fleur's ears were underwater.

She sat up a little, bringing her head out from under the waves, adjusting the inflatable raft she was using as a pillow, "Of course," she said, not really looking at Tonks, "You are my friend, I wanted you here,"

Tonks snorted a little and looked at her, their eyes meeting briefly, "I'm glad you consider me a friend," she said after a moment.

Fleur put her ears back under, not sure what to say to that.  She closed her eyes breathing deeply, she could stay like this forever, submerged in warm water in the middle of winter, naked, with a beautiful woman floating beside her.

* * *

"What do you mean?"

She wiped the tears away from under Fleur's eyes, "I mean," she barely knew the words for it in French let alone translating this nonsense. She shook her head, taking a deep breath, trying to steady herself, "I mean," she said again, "that I spent an entire year of my life working for something, trying to get better at something and having myself judged as the only girl, and I was not even judged fairly. I spent a year of my life thinking that I was doing worse than I was actually doing.  There was a mad man who was... he was fixing the game.  He was making it so that Harry would win, and while yes that is horrible and horrible things were happening, I-  I know it is not important," she felt odd having Tonks's eyes on her, "I know that I am only being silly and that there are more things to be caring about, but," she shifted a little, still unable to meet Tonks's eyes, "But I am frightened that I will only be known as that silly little girl who did badly, when... when there is no evidence of that," She stole a glance at Tonks who was smiling, was she making fun of her? "What?" she drew herself up a little, defiant.

Tonks smiled wider, chuckling a little to herself, "I really shouldn't be laughing," but she was, even if it was softly and Fleur crossed her arms and raised her chin, sniffing. "Sorry!" Tonks seemed unable to contain herself and Fleur raised one eyebrow as Tonks broke, almost cackling next to her.  

"Are you quite done?" she asked once Tonks had gotten a hold of herself.  She thought that this might be the first time she hadn’t enjoyed making Tonks laugh.

"Yea-yeah," she said, gasping. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and seemed to straighten herself.  When she opened her eyes again she was calm, "It's just... Fleur, you're so amazing.  You're so talented and so strong, I can't... I can't imagine anyone ever thinking of you as some silly little girl who didn't do as well as she'd like in the Triwizard Tournament.  You're so much more than that, I promise,"

There was still a bubble of laughter in her voice but her eyes were earnest.  Fleur uncrossed her arms slightly, allowing the compliments.

“Well,” she didn’t know what to say and looked away from Tonks who was quieting faster now.

“Listen, I don’t mean to undermine what you’re feeling, I can only imagine how… _frustrating_ that is, to have your largest moment not actually be… well… representative of what you can do,” She looked at her, nodding, “But you won’t be, okay?  You won’t be remembered that way, I know that, we all know that, so please… if you can… just trust me on that?”

Fleur shifted, inhaling through her nose, her eyebrow still cocked, “I will try,”

She bit her lip and they were quiet for a moment, “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“With your eyebrow?”

She flushed, feeling the offending part, “What do you mean?”

She shrugged, a small smile playing her lips, “You always make that face when you’re not being honest about something,”

“Oh,”

Tonks nodded, “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, I just… I want you to know that I mean it,”

Fleur relaxed, “Thanks,”

* * *

"I am not good at this!" she was getting annoyed and quickly, squirming in her seat and glancing around.  Tonks, who, today, was disguised as a slightly plump woman in her forties placed a hand comfortingly on her thigh.  They weren't supposed to be acting like they knew each other, but that was becoming more difficult by the minute.  

Fleur was used to the veela part of her attracting attention, used to the way some men and even some women would stop talking or walking and just stare at her.  She had never particularly liked it, but she was used to it.  She was not, however, used to the effect that it had on muggles.  They had been sent undercover in the underground in London, hoping to tail what was suspected to be two Death Eaters transporting something or other (neither had been told what), and the effect on the train car was unnerving.  It wasn't just a few people, it was the whole damn car.  In fact, Fleur was sure Tonks was drawing attention to herself by being the only one _not_ staring at her.  The hand on her thigh squeezed a little and Fleur's hand rested automatically on top of her's.  

The train stopped, a few passengers blinked quickly, getting off, more fileing on to the train taking the seats vacated.  She was fidgety, trying not to meet anyone's eye. A man at the far end of the train coughed and looked over at his companion striking up a low conversation.

"When can we be done?" she hissed, barely audible over the noise of the train.

Tonks's hand squeezed again, her face never leaving the magazine.  Fleur knew about the small mirror charmed to see everyone behind them inside of the magazine that Tonks was using to survey the back half of the train but Tonks's refusal to look at her still made her uncomfortable.

"Well be done when we're done," Fleur had to strain to hear her.  One of the men in the far corner glanced at them before turning back to his companion.

"Tonks..."

"Fleur, it shouldn't be much longer now,"

The train jostled on it's journey, a woman with a large bulk swaying in front of Fleur, blocking her view of much of the car. The lights flickered and Fleur's heart was pounding though she wasn't completely sure why.

"Tonks, are you seeing anything?"

"Nothing, why-?"

The woman swayed back with the movement of the train just as the doors on the other end of the train closed.  The men were gone.  They hadn't been staring at her, not like the rest of the train, they weren't muggles.

"Tonks!" She was up and running before she knew what she was doing.

* * *

She could hear Tonks yelling, she could hear the panicked notes of distress that accompanied anyone who... well... who was in distress.  She couldn't see, she's been blindfolded, but should could hear.  Why the fuck had she chased the death eaters by herself? She was so fucking stupid and she'd gotten Tonks dragged into it as well and fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She listened intently, she didn't think anyone was in the room with her.  She swiveled in her seat, testing her bonds, and testing the room.  Nothing happened, no one spoke, no one breathed, except for Tonks on the other side of the door, screaming.  Her heart was racing but she was surprisingly calm.  In just a few moments she was back inside the Bobutonx carriage training with Madam Maxeem, this was simply another puzzle to solve.  She could solve puzzles.  

She twisted her wrists, bound behind her back.  The chair she was sitting on was flat backed, but she wasn't tied tightly.  Slowly, she tried to stand up, but no, that wouldn't work, she was bound too close to the chair for that.  She twisted her wrists still, trying to find an opening at the same time slowly inching her chair towards the sounds of Tonks behind the door.

"Where's Fleur? Where's Fleur!" her shrieks which had gone unanswered for sometime now had changed and Fleur could hear another person in the room with her, the scraping of a chair and then a man's voice.

"Why were you following us?" his voice was nasally and high and disgusting.  She recognized him from the train, he'd been the one who'd run first.

"We weren't following you!" Tonks managed to sound almost indignant before there was the unmistakable smack of skin on skin.  Fleur stopped moving, momentarily paralyzed.  Then she heard some spit and Tonks say, "Well that wasn't very nice,"

If she was being snarky should couldn't be in that much danger. Smiling slightly to herself she continued working at the ropes around her wrist, they'd been done by hand rather than by magic and were beginning to loosen with her persistence against them.

The man was trying another tactic, "Who are you?"

"Agatha Christie," Tonks must still be in disguise if she was going with her alter ego, a woman plucked from muggle history, apparently a person hero of her grandmother's.

"Alright, Ms. Christie, what were you doing following us?"

"I told you, we weren't following you!"

"You're not getting anywhere," the second voice was new, also inside the room, he sounded bored.  "Who's your friend?"

"She's..."

Too late, Fleur realized that Tonks had been calling her real name.  Granted, Dany Targaryan hadn't been the best cover ever, and not just because it was clear that she was French and not German (or whatever culture that name was supposed to come from), but getting caught in a lie would not help Tonks's chances at all.

The men seemed to catch on to Tonks's hesitation however and pounced, "yes, missy, who was she?"

"Was?" distracted, Tonks voice slipped from defiant victim to frightened intruder.

The ropes around her wrists were almost off.. just.. one.. more.... yes! She pulled the blindfold off and looked around. She was in a kitchen, a mother fucking kitchen!  Those fools.  She finished undoing the ropes and moved carefully to the drawers looking for something, anything.

The men were chuckling, "What's her name then?" said one.

"Yeah," said the other, stupidly, "what's her name?"

"Fleur.  She's called Fleur, now tell me where she is!"

She had found a singular butter knife and a pair of chopsticks.  She supposed all the sharp knives were locked up somewhere.  She stuck the chopsticks and the knife in her back pocket and went to get the chair.  

The men had been whispering to each other and she had a feeling she knew what they were about.  She picked the chair up, not too heavy, but nice and weighted.  Rising it over her head she took up position next to the door and waited.

With in twenty seconds footsteps approached the door and it opened, swinging inward and one of the men from the train came through.  She swung hard and fast at the back of his head.  The resulting crash made Tonks shriek and the other man come running.  The chair had broken and the first man lay sprawled on the floor, knocked out. She grabbed a chair leg to swing at the second man but he already had one hand on her wrist and the other clasped tightly around her throat.

"No no no, my pretty," he grinned at her and his breath stank, his teeth yellow, his hand twisting the chair leg out of her right hand, "you're not going anywhere," the hand around her neck tightened and he lifted her slightly, her feet barely on the floor. She choked, unable to draw breath, her free hand scratching the back of his hand feebly. He took a step, slamming her into the wall and making what little breath she had leave her in an instant.  "It's such a shame to waste your pretty face," he jeered.  Tonks was yelling, her throat was on fire, small splotches of black were beginning to obscure her vision as her lungs screamed for air.  In a final attempt she reached around as best she could to her back pocket, grappling for the knife.  Her hand closed instead around one of the chopsticks. "I don't think it'll be pretty for very long, though," he said, still jeering, his hand tightening over her throat.  She wriggled her hand free and with one final burst of effort stabbed the chopstick into his eye socket.

He let go of her, yelling, and she collapsed on all fours gasping for air.  She swallowed, breathed in deep, and wretched.  She spat a few times, wiped her mouth, breathed deeply again and looked around.

The man she had knocked out with the chair was still there on the ground, his wand flung in front of him.  She went to it and picked it up.  The man she's stabbed in the eye was also on the floor, he seemed to have fainted, the chopstick stuck out from the front of his face in a way that would have been comical if she hadn't felt so sick.  

"Accio wand," she said and three wands flew to her from the insides of the man's robes.  She plucked her own and Tonks's wands from the group and snapped the other two, leaving them in the pile of sick on the floor.

* * *

_And all the people say_  
You can't wait up,  
this is not a dream  
You're part of a machine  
You are not a human being  
With your face all made up living on a screen  
Low on self-esteem so you run on gasoline  
Woah-oh oh-oh, I think there's a flaw in my code  
_oh-oh oh-oh these voices wont leave me alone  
_ well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold

* * *

She sat there stroking Fleur’s hair, the events of the past few hours playing over again and again in her head. She could have been killed. They both could have. Tonks with all her training and abilities hadn’t counted for any of it. It had been Fleur who had gotten them out of there. Fleur who had single handedly taken out two Death Eaters. Not that they were dead. Tonks shivered slightly at the thought, no they weren’t dead, but they were maimed and they weren’t likely to forget Fleur any time soon.

“How is she?” It was Bill. Sweet Bill who thought he knew what he was dealing with.

“Fine,” she said, “the healers say there wasn’t any permanent damage, she’ll need a few days rest but she should be back to normal soon,”

“Few days rest?” Said Bill grinning, “I bet she’ll love that.”

Tonks laughed appreciatively.

“Tell her I stopped by?” He said. Tonks nodded and Bill gripped her by the shoulder in farewell.

Tonks sat there for a long time, patting Fleurs hair, touching her arm, lightly stroking her face. She had to be touching her, it didn’t feel right. Angry red bruises were sprouting out around Fleurs neck where the bastard had tried to kill her. She needed Fleur to know that it was okay to be touched and have it be good. She needed that as much for herself as for Fleur.

Finally the medinurse came by and told Tonks she had to leave. Reluctantly she stood, straightening her robes and cracking her back. She had to go give her report to the order anyway.

“Mon cœur,” Fleur shifted slightly, her voice cracked and rough. She was waking up.

Tonks gripped her hand, “it’s okay, it’s okay you’re alright, you’re safe,”

Fleur opened her eyes ever so slightly and met Tonks’s, she grinned, “I know,”

* * *

She was doing that thing where she was fixing her hair again and again. She did it when she was thinking. Hands running through blonde locks pushing them behind her ears, over one shoulder, over the other shoulder, in a low ponytail to be pulled out quickly and pushed behind her ears again.

“Hey,” she knelt behind her on the bed, startling her but getting that sweet rare smile as reward.

“What are you doing?”

“Braiding your hair,”

Fleur let her, her hands falling, her eyes closed, the book on her lap momentarily forgotten.  When she was done Fleur reached for a mirror but Tonks grabbed it from her.

“What?!”

“No mirrors,” she was playing with her. Fleur crosses her arms and Tonks crossed her own back.

“I want to know how much you have ruined my hair,” she said, her nose in the air.

“Here,” Tonks wrinkled up her nose, “you look like this,”

Fleurs eyebrow raised, “you did my nose wrong,” she said, but the corner of her mouth twitched.

Tonks grinned, Fleur was setting her up, “is this better?” Her nose growing hook nosed, sprouting hairs.

Fleurs lips sucked in concealing her laugh, she shook her head.

“What about this?” Her famous pig snout sniffed at Fleur aggressively, making a stay strand of blonde hair go up it.

Fleur shrieked, laughing, batting her away and falling back slightly onto the bed, "No no!"

"No?" Tonks was grinning like a fool and launched herself at Fleur, rolling them onto the bed, "What about this?" her bird beak pecked lightly at Fleur's head, she shrieked again, laughing.

"You are the worst!"

"You like me,"

* * *

Sirius didn't move as she clambered out the window and onto the roof, stepping carefully so as not to fall and settling herself next to him. He didn't acknowledge her but took a drag of his fag before handing it to her wordlessly.  She shifted on the tiles, not looking at him, he hadn't said much since Christmas, not even to Remus.  She took a drag, coughing a little before handing it back to him and drawing her knees up to her chest.

They stayed in silence for a long time, well after the fag was finished and had been flicked off the roof.  Tonks wasn't sure why she was there expect that she knew she needed to be there for him, something was going on.  

"How long have you been with Fleur?"

She started, surprised as much by the noise as by the question, "What?"

He raised his eyebrows at her.  

She shifted a little uncomfortably, "I'm- I'm not with Fleur," she rested her chin on her knees, looking out once more at the expanse of London beyond the security shield.

"You wish you were,"

She gave a non-committal shrug, "Everyone wishes they were with Fleur,"

"Yeah but not everyone actually has a chance,"

She looked at him, surprised.  Of course, he knew nothing of Fleur, he barely spoke to her when they were all in the same room, there was no reason, no cause, he wouldn't know anything about her. She realized his eyes were red and there were dark circles under them. "How's Remus?"

He shrugged, the same shrug she'd given moments before and she made a mental note to see what other familial gestures had been passed down.

He pulled his wand out from the knot at the back of his head and his hair fell down his back in a tangle.  He lit the end of his wand and flicked it, a ball of fire floating in mid air in front of him.

"How's Harry?"

He didn't answer her but pulled a pack of fags from his coat pocket and took one from it, handing the pack to her.  They leaned forward at the same time, lighting their fags, the unspoken agreement to stop talking heavy between them.

* * *

She was done with being quiet.  That's all this house was, was being quiet.  She needed to scream. She needed to run.  She needed...

Fleur was sleeping on the love-seat again, her blond hair tucked under her, little whips escaping to dance across the pillow.  She's fallen asleep reading again, some muggle kids book, Bill had told her that children's stories were a good way to learn a new language and she'd taken it to heart nearly buying out the kids section of the muggle book shop across from Diagon Alley.  She stared at her, admiring the way her mouth fell open when she slept, her whole body completely relaxed.  She couldn't scream, she couldn't shout, she couldn't be loud.  She had a sleeping woman on her couch and a crazy portrait just down the stairs who would take any opportunity she could to call her blood traitorous scum.  She stood up, she had to do _something_.

The roof was empty. Sirius had been there though, the butts of his fags lay scattered around.

She stood very still, letting the wind catch her.  She shivered, she should have brought a coat, she should have been able to capture those Death Eater's last week...

She closed her eyes, no no no, that was not where she wanted her brain to go.

She was uncomfortable in her own skin, in the person that she was, she could make her hair as bushy as Hermione's or as nonexistent and Kingsley's, make herself tall and lean, or short and fat, or anywhere in between, hell she'd been able to get to Hagrid's height before when she's really put her mind to it, but no matter what she did she felt wrong.  

"I just want to be normal," she said, barely above a whisper, the night engulfing her words and carrying them away. "I just want to not feel trapped or stuck or ... or..."

She did scream then, stamping her feet and and jumping up and down, anything to get the energy out of her, the feeling of wrongness, the feeling of being incomplete.  She'd spent so much time being someone else did she know how to be herself? Who was Nymphadora Tonks anyway?

The screaming felt nice.  Her eyes closed.  Making noise, taking up space, creating something just for herself. She screamed until the noise turned into sobs and she collapsed on the roof top, head between her knees, shaking, releasing, unaware of much except-

"Shhh, mon cœur, you're okay,"

She leaned into Fleur, her body shrinking to her standard size and form.  Fleur stroked her hair, "You are so strong," she was saying as Tonks sobbed into her shoulder, "You are a force to be reckoned with," Tonks laughed through the tears at the expression. "You are a hurricane,"

Tonks sniffed, "I'm a mess,"

Fleur made a noise, a distinctly French noise that seemed to come from throat and nose at the same time, "You are messy, mon ouragan, but you are not a mess,"

* * *

She understood it now, what being in pain was really like.  Nothing had prepared her for this. It wasn't the physical pain, but it felt like her heart had been torn in two.  Sirius was gone. Sirius was gone. Sirius was gone, and it was her fault.  She closed her eyes against the knowledge but it was there, screaming at her, forcing her eyes and her mind open as it consumed her.  She could have been better, she could have been stronger, she could have been the hurricane that Fleur had taken to calling her.  But she wasn't, weak and young and stupid she'd been bested and because of that Sirius was dead.

The door to the kitchen opened and Remus came in, his eyes red, his coat as shabby as ever.  He stopped when he saw her, their eyes meeting.

"I'm sorry," he said, swallowing hard, "I didn't know anyone would be here,"

She knew there had to be tears running down her face, but she had stopped caring about them a while ago. "It's okay, I'll leave," she stood, moving past him, out the door of the kitchen, up the stairs to the hall, up more stairs to the fourth floor where she moved past Buckbeak and out the still open window onto the roof.

Fleur was already there, smoking those thin dainty fags she had her cousin send her from France.  Wordlessly, she held one out to her and lit it with a snap of her fingers.  

They sat next to each other in silence, tears no longer falling, but threatening her at any moment. She felt like an impostor sitting here with Fleur, the one person left who knew how to make her laugh, knew how to make her happy.  She trusted her, she knew that, and she was so undeserving of trust.

"You do not have to talk about it," she said, not looking at Tonks, "But you should,"

Tonks looked down, fiddling with the butt of the fag, "I wasn't good enough," she said softly.

"Oh?"

"I wasn't good enough, I couldn't- I couldn't beat her and so he came to help and then..." she took a deep staggering breath, "And then she killed him,"

"So, what?" Fleur was doing an absolutely horrible job at consoling her, not that she deserved any.

"So what? Fleur, I- it's because of me that Sirius- that he..."

"Are you saying it is your fault that 'e is dead?"

"Bloody fucking Merlin, Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying-"

"You are stupider than you look,"

She looked at her, stunned.  Fleur was reclining on her arms, still smoking, looking at Tonks with her eyebrows raised, no she wasn’t lying, it wasn’t that, it was skepticism though. "Excuse me?"

"If you are going to blame yourself for everything, then you are stupid,"

Tonks blinked. _What the fuck?_

"You were not responsible for the train, though I know you still blame yourself for that no matter how many times you hear otherwise, you were not responcible for letting those Death Eaters go last month, you were taken completely off guard and you could not exactly do magic at the time, and you are not responsible for your cousin.  Sirius wanted to be there, he wanted to help you-"

"Sirius didn't want to die!"

"No, ouf course he didn’t! But he did want to fight, you know this much, I hope." Tonks looked down, assenting, "You know he has wanted out of this house for as long as he has been here.  He wanted to go, Tonks, and he knew what he was getting in to.

"It is not your responsibility to save everyone.  It is not your job.  You did your job well.  Harry is safe and so is everyone else.  Sirius disobeyed his direct orders and-"

Tonks stood up, "No, you can't blame Sirius dying on himself! That's fucking messed up, Fleur!"

"I am not!" she stood up too, her chest heaving, the fag, long forgotten, rolling down the roof, "That is not what I am saying. I am saying that he wanted to go and he knew what he was doing and it is no ones fault but the one who killed him,"

Tonks stood there looking at her angry face, her hair was braided, long down her back, the wisps that often framed her face swaying in the breeze of the night.  Somehow, inexplicably, she felt better.

"Have you seen Remus?" the question took her by surprise.

"Yeah, he's in the kitchen,"

"Let us go and talk to him, he will tell you what I have told you,"

She moved to go back inside but Tonks grabbed her by the arm, stopping her, "No," her voice was softer than she had expected, "No, it's okay, let's leave him to his..."

Fleur cocked her head at her but nodded.  

They sat on the roof for a while longer, Tonks nestled into the crook of Fleur’s arm, tears no longer threatening, emotions still fresh but quieting for the time being.

“Thank you,”

Fleur leaned down quickly kissing the top of her head, “No, mon ouragan, do not thank me.  You knew this all, I only reminded you,”

* * *

And all the people say  
You can't wake up  
this is not a dream  
you're part of a machine   
you are not a human being  
With your face all made up living on a screen  
low on self-esteem so you run on gasoline  
Woah-oh oh-oh, I think there's a flaw in my code  
oh-oh oh-oh these voice wont leave me alone

* * *

“So, you leave on Sunday?”

“Yep, with the train,”

“Do the kids know you’re going too?”

“Not yet, though I assume they’ll find out soon enough,”

Fleur nodded, her heart racing, the bottle of wine between them was almost empty.  She didn’t want Tonks to go, she wanted to stay there, just the two of them.  The world was darker now, scarier.  They’d gone through so much, they’d conquered so much, and now she was just leaving, that wasn’t… it wasn’t…

“Fleur,” she snapped her head up to look at Tonks who was sitting much closer to her than she had been.  “Fleur, I- I don’t want to leave,”

She blinked, then swallowed hard, “Then you should not go,”

Tonks grinned, “I have to, and… well… I wanted,” she was fidgeting and nervous.

“Yes?” her heart was set to beat right out of her chest, but she was being stupid, she was being so stupid, Tonks didn’t mean...

“Just, with Sirius and everything, it kind of made me realize,” she wasn’t looking at Fleur, “It made realize that… that… I don’t want… like… I can’t afford to not know if… well… if...”

No, she had to be right, Tonks wouldn’t be this nervous if she was wrong, she had to be right, right? She wasn’t being stupid? Tonks had stopped talking, her face turned down, her bottom lip being worried by her teeth.

Slowly, Fleur leaned forward and tilted her head up. Their faces were so close to each other.  Tonks let go of her lip, her mouth falling open as she met Fleur’s eyes, her eyes flicking back and forth.  Fleur felt like laughing she was so nervous, but she was also sure she was right, she had to be, it was the only thing that made sense.

“Yes, I do,” she said, softly, then leaned forward and pressed her lips to Tonks’s.  She felt the older woman relax into her and then she was kissing Fleur back.

She was warm and wet and holy hell knew what she was doing. Fleur nipped and licked and sucked and Tonks’s tongue was in her mouth and she felt like she was on fire and that she couldn’t breathe and that this was good and right and yes.

Tonks pulled away first, her eyes wide, her face breaking into a nervous smile, a burst of laughter bubbling up and overflowing. Fleur felt the same grin spreading across her own face and she cupped Tonks’s face in her hands.

“You are so beautiful,”

Tonks laughed, the bubble of laughter bursting out and around and making Fleur grin even wider.  She leaned forward and kissed Fleur again, short and sweet and perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!! Please let me know what you thought! This was very much a fever dream and I'd really appreciate feedback.  
> Also, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://actuallyginnyweasley.tumblr.com)!


End file.
